Stuff

As my Bud ,Jim says to his wife "Why is it your stuff ,but, if it is mine it is crap?

Till next time----------------Poohpa

Meat Case

Today I farted so bad,behind the meat case, two people passed out.I blamed on bad chicken in the case.

State Law says never take the credit--always pass it on.

Till next time-------------------Poohpa

Gas X

Men being men,we talk about sports,sex,women,politics,and farts.
It is a state law that men will brag and lie about their fats.Decompress,poots,toots and butt perfume.
Me personally,I have been able to fart in colors and I have my own signature fragrance.I just call it Burnt Peanut Butter.
Years ago we were in the meat market talking about farts.I told the guys about the time I was in the shower and farted.It blew the door open and sprung the hinge.Almost choked to death before I could get out.
About this time the meat wrapper came in.
She told about the time her husband,Grover, came home drunk.He fell into bed and passed out.
Now they had a dog,one of those yappin little bastards that shake all the time-like he has an ice cube up his butt.Now this little bastard would sleep between Grovers legs.Grover farted, the dog came running out,yappin , and crying.Stopped on Grovers chest and puked his guts up.

I have never made a dog thow up.I could only be so proud.
Till next time--------------Poohpa

Weather

I know my friend up north will laugh about us down south,but we don't have the equipment to handle this.Yesterday 60f today 19f with ice and snow.This normal for this time of year in Ft.Worth Tx.--the Stock Show is here.If we ever have bad weather it is always during the Stock Show.Not to mention we have the Super Bowl in town in in 6 days.This is a true state law.
Till next time---------------Poohpa

Me Chair

As one of my last post says I need my chair.Man needs a good place to park his big ass.Your chair is one of the few places a man can go, that is his own.If another violates this it ,is an affront to his manhood.To me this is as bad as messing with his food or his woman.
Archie Bunker, my hero,said his chair was sacred.If you sit another mans chair you mess the bumps his butt has made.

If you are invited to sit this OK.
Grandkids maybe OK.
A good looking woman is OK.
Any other should stay out.
The only man that can sit in my chair and I don't make get up is my son in law.This is the only man I know that works more hours than I do.He need the rest and sleeps there very well.

When some uninvited turd gets my chair I have to sit in a kitchen chair.

Man cannot sit on the sofa because women like to put pillows there.They just get in the way of a real man.Any man that likes a pillow filled sofa is probably a Nancy boy.This another state law.
Till next time--------------Poohpa

Phone useage

My Internet BFF Joy just posted about people that talk on cell phones while driving.
She must hate me.I admit it,I am one of the a-holes that talk when driving.
I used to bitch like an old man( Damn that is me),about people that did not watch what they are doing.Here I am admitting to the whole world,that I talk and drive at the same time.
Now I have changed.It is now OK to talk and drive.Along as you remain in control and stays to hell out of my way.
The a-holes I hate are the drive-texters.I thought I had my head up my butt! These guys are damn Nuts.
I even saw a motorcycle dude texting--Dumb ass (Hey that might be me).Poohpa state law says you are Stupid.
Till next time------Poohpa

OMG

Gees it I have done it now----I pissed my daughter off---Duh
How did you piss her off Poohpa?
Did you fart in her face?
Did you talk bad about her husband?
Did you slam a door on her?
Did you say her butt looked big?
Did you talk bad about her new car?

No, I say, I did none of this!!!!!!!!!!!
I never fart in her face! She is too tall.
I like her husband! ( Let it be known all son-in-laws can be a dumb ass--This is a Poohpa state law).
She has a great butt!
I love her car!

What did I do?
I said she was acting like her MOTHER.OMG I could have hit her with a wet dog turd and not have gotten in more crap!
If you have not figured it out yet. I love her Mom.
She loves her kids.
She loves her grandkids to a falt.
She would fight a tornado for her kids or the grandkids.
She raised great kids and taught them to care for others.
And to top it off she looks damn good for her years!

I did not know that the ole stinkeye was passed on through he genes. Maybe it is a learned trait.I do not know,but I have been getting the major stink eye form her!
What did I do wrong?
Till next time-------------Poohpa

Zit Warning

O.K. I have this major zit on the bridge of my nose.The freak'n thing is the size of Mt. Hood. In my defense ,a small blemish on the bridge of the nose, becomes very large because of my CPAP.The mask I wear rubs on any sore and goes nuts if I don't notice it.

Because I am such a studly dude,I get many questions while waiting on my customers.I think when you are so damn good look'n,as I am,you cannot hide it.

As you all know it is hard for me to control my bullshit level.

I have told people-

1. Cut in a knife fight.

2. Blew my nose to hard and a boog blew out the side.

3. Brain surgery through the top of my nose.

4.Was getting my nose pierced and the girl sneezed and missed.

5. The bitch bit me.

6. A nipple ring accident.

If Sondi reads this,I am in deep shit.She does not like people to know about the ring.State law tells me not to tell. But some times a man has to do what man has to do!

If I get the ol' stink eye when I get home I will know.

Pray for me.

Tilll next time----Poohpa

Rudeness

My almost new BFF,Joy the Internet queen,a few weeks ago posted on her blog about some one who hit her car.She had just gotten it fixed from being hit at the mall.I felt sorry for her. When a person cares and loves their car,it really hurts them.

This brings me to my latest rant.What has happened to common since?People just don't give a damn any more!

This brings me to more things that piss me off.

Turds that do not pull over until the last 20 ft, when the lane ends.

Turds that cannot park in a space straight.Park it right dumb ass,the next person has a hard time getting in or out without hitting another car.

Turds that play their radio so loud that you can feel it a block away.

Turds that do not know who has the right of way at a four way stop.

Turds that do not understand what a double white line is for.

Turds in diesel trucks that leave them running when the trucks are not occupied.(the damn things stink and it is against the law--a real state law).
Tiil next time-------Poohpa

New TV Shows

Damn if I have to listen or watch one more TV rerun I will just go damn crazy! I love NCSI and cannot want for a new show.Me and Jethro are two of coolest and meanest dudes in the world.I have fought more bad guys and serial killers than McGarrett.Of course all the women want me,it is a curse that I have lived with for most of my life(when I was young I did not know that they wanted me).
If I watch one more Big Brother show I will go nuts.Nothing is worse than listening to almost grown people bitch.whine. and lie.They do it badly and to often.My wife loves this crap.Thats right I said crap and thats what I mean-crap-crap-crap.Back stabbing little bastards.
I need man shows.Head roll and just a little T and A. A new state law.
Just waiting for good show.
Till next time-------Poohpa

My hero

Steven Slater is my hero.The just could not take that bitch'n woman anymore.She cussed him and even hit him with the bags.I wonder what else she did before the plane landed.Some times it just ain't worth it.He will lose his job,his freedom,and even maybe even his retirement.
This because a woman could not follow the rules.When did people become so rude?Why does it always have to about me? Me,me,me,me,me,me and me.Courtesy has gone to hell.
I blame this on my generation, the sixties. If you do not remember it was all about ME.If you did not do it your way,you copped out.Do don't have time for your kids--so what? Don't want to work--tuff shit.Don't want to go to school,who cares?
You ever heard the saying,"shit rolls down hill." This is what happens morals go to hell!What ever happen to the golden rule?
When you do not make your kids behave,you have parents like this woman.
Our country needs a recurrence of family values.The old ways tend to be the best ways.This should be a state law.
This coming from an Old Fart, and proud of it.
I will quit gripe'n now.
Till next time---------------------Poohpa

Galveston

When we went to Galveston for the weekend. We had a great time.We spent a day at the beach and also took the grandkids fishing.Nolan caught 4 fish,his little sister Abbie,caught 8 fish.As you know this really miffed Nolan His little sister out fished him.
Being the grand dad I am ,I offered Nolan a dollar to kiss a dead shrimp.I just knew he would do it,I had camera in hand, but the little fart would not do it.I saved a dollar.
The beach was good,no sea weed, but the jelly fish were bad.One came out of a large wave and got Miss Abbie.The life guard had vinegar to put on it, the sting was better after 20 minutes.The natural remedy is to pee on it,I was told to do the deed,but refused for fear of scaring them for life.
I also remembered, that a sun burn on the under side of you arms,hurt like hell. This is a state law you should never forget.
Till next time--------Poohpa

Texting

Yesterday I saw a lady driving down the freeway in rush hour traffic texting.Even I know this is not smart.Just call me an old fart but I think texting will ruin the world.I refuse to give in,this coming from the man that would never own a cell phone or a computer. I will never become a text/tard.
Yes I said tard anyone that cannot live without it has got to be retarded.It is going to be the social down fall of the world.I swear kids cannot spell or even have a normal conversation any more.Some of my friends do not understand my refusal to change.Who gives a crap? I am what I am.
Till next time, in a text free zone----Poohpa This is a new state law!

N and G policy

Through my life I have come up with a few things that have served me well, but this is close to being a life lesson.
I do not eat nutz or guts. This covers almost anything I consider gross or unclean.I modify this to fit he situation as needed.I will not eat liver,scrapple,souse,head cheese,haggis,menudo,sushi,calf fries,turkey fries,tongue,oysters,scallops,blood sausage,blood pudding,sweet breads,tripe(honey comb or regular),k-bobs(real men do not eat this)and most of all--spotted dick!--till next time----Poohpa

State Law

When my kids were growing up,I found the greatest parenting tool in the world.State Law. When they were young and I would tell them to do something and they ask why.You just say it is a state law.Low and behold they did it with out question. Who knew, not me.
. They got to high school age and it still worked. My wife and I became band partents,it worked on them too! Even told the band teachers and they did not question us for years.
It is pure power in the hands of parents.
Try it on your kids,I do not have it copy righted yet.Till next time--Poohpa

Life

It has been a while since I posted,but I have been busy and sick.
I need to tell you about my red car rule.
I do not drive red cars nor do I like anyone who does.Maybe I should say real men do not drive red cars.(The exception is my brother-in-law He is a real man and would whip my ass.Also my oldest son ,who is one cool dude and a manly man--I do not fear him as much.)
People who have red cars are usually homos-cross dressers or transvestites.
If on my 2nd job, I have to drive a red car it becomes rojo-not red.This is Poohpa state law.
Some cars are excepted --Red vetts-Dodge Chargers.This is another of my state laws.
If I do have to drive one I bitch and whine like a little little kid.
This a major rule I live by.(I still wonder about my brother-in-law.Don't worry about me I don't think he can read). till next time--Poohpa